I have so much respect for the blogger I used to be seven or eight years ago, the one who showed up on a consistent basis without a strategy and without overthinking her content. Smartphones and social media were supposed to make blogging easier, but all they did was give me reasons to overthink something that was fine the way it was.
I miss blogging. The exercise of expressing of myself was free therapy.
I stopped sharing Thankful posts because I thought they were boring to read, especially since I wasn’t blogging about much else on a consistent basis. Because I wasn’t blogging about anything else, I also felt that the Thankful posts made it seem like I had a better relationship with God than I did, which made me feel disingenuous.
The most impactful book that I read this year was Mindset: The New Psychology of Success by Carol Dweck. It turns out that with certain things in my life I have a fixed (rather than growth) mindset and I let that mindset stop me from doing things because I believe that I can’t. As I read the book, I realized that even though the book was written after I reached adulthood, my dad had recognized that fixed mindset (even though he didn’t use that terminology) and had tried to help me change my beliefs about my abilities, but I never got it. When I realized this, I thanked my dad for what he tried to do and I sobbed for the girl I was, the woman I still am, who has such a hard time putting herself in situations that will grow her. It’s especially painful because I want so much to live an extraordinary life, yet I allow the things I need to do to get to the other side to hold me back. For someone with a fixed mindset, life would be a lot easier if I didn’t want more from life than what I already have!
Sayo and I are still in a long-distance marriage. I’m disappointed that we won’t be celebrating our one-year wedding anniversary together this weekend. I have a comment (or ten) about the spousal immigration process but I’ll say more once Sayo’s here. Most of my friends have said that I’m handling the wait well; I expected it, which helps, but this is a longer delay than I expected. I’m thankful that Sayo and I get to communicate daily; I can’t imagine how my parents handled their separation back in the snail mail and no phone days!
I’m really looking forward to reuniting with Sayo. Among other things, he’s totally got me believing that he’ll help me reach that version of myself that I want to be. As sweet as that is, part of me is sad that I haven’t been able to do it by myself because I’m an independent woman (as he’s learning!) and I think that sorting out these things would have probably helped me with my mindset issues! But, I should be thankful that someone wants to help me reach my fullest potential, right? Also, how do I know that it wasn’t God’s plan that the things that I’ve blogged about for years and years yet never accomplished can only come to pass through the help of a supportive husband?!
Enough about me: how are you?